Feel the feeling but don’t become the emotion. Witness it. Allow it. Release it.
-Crystal Andrus
I’m cleaning the kitchen sink. My hands aren’t clean and I’m circling the brush, but I’m kind of nowhere. In my mind, I’m designing a new database for my recent project, and as I become more focused, I scrub. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere land, my 15-month-old son comes to me. He holds my leg, looks at my face, and says hug. I look at my hands — it seems I’ve just realized what I’m doing. My hands are too dirty to hold him, and he seems less patient to wait for me to clean up my hands. I tell him, “Sweetheart, my hands are messy, go to the office and daddy’s going to hug you.” Since I don’t hear any yells or protest, I assume he is gone to the office. I’m just about to go back to work when I hear the most amazing sound right down by my feet. He is sitting next to my feet, facing the window, his hands are tied between his legs, and he’s counting 1, 2, 3, 7, 9, 10 … hug. I am speechless.
I’m in a Zoom meeting. Fortunately, my camera is off. My son comes into the office (pandemic workspace!) and asks me to come. I can’t leave the meeting right now. He is 14 months old. I cannot expect him to wait but I turn off the microphone and tell him, ‘I hear you. I’m about to finish. I’m coming as soon as I finish my meeting.” I go back to the meeting to wrap up and exactly when I expect to hear his protest, I hear his voice counting calmly: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10… Come. I am speechless.
Self-regulation involves the whole child.
Self-regulation is the ability to manage feelings and thoughts. For a 15-month-old toddler, it means delaying gratification and controlling emotions.
How capable toddlers are! For me, someone at the threshold of 40 years old, it’s sometimes hard to hold off my anger or desire to do something right away. Sometimes when I’m in a rush, it’s hard for me to hold off for 10 seconds and count calmly. How can a 15-month-old toddler count to ten to cool down his temper?
The journey of co-regulation, self-soothing, and self-regulation
It’s important to be responsive to infants and young toddlers.
The ability of self-regulation matures as we grow. A hungry infant cannot meet his needs. He feels hungry, distressed, and then cries. He doesn’t understand the concept of waiting, and by not being responsive, we’re sometimes sending a message of avoidance or neglect. In the beginning, their capacity of self-regulation is limited. They are dependent on us for co-regulation. By being attuned to his needs, we help him to transition from external regulation to self-regulation. By providing support with warm, responsive interactions, we’re helping him to self-soothe by assuring him that we will be there to offer support when he needs it. That way, he can relax and learn to self-soothe because he knows his needs will be fulfilled soon.
The journey of co-regulation, self-soothing, and self-regulation can’t be done without adult assistance, but the dependence lessens as they get older. A child with self-regulatory skills is able to focus their attention, control their emotions, and manage their thinking, behavior, and feelings.
Although our son has a long way to get in the zone of proximal development for self-regulation, I believe by scaffolding we can support him as he is led through the ZPD.
Helping your child with self-regulation
- Create a structured and predictable daily routine
- Provide responsive, consistent, and nurturing care
- Promote critical thinking by creating an environment where children feel safe to explore and are comforted if they become confused or scared. “Positive control, autonomy support, and responsiveness have been most often linked to the development of strong self-regulation skills in the research literature” (McClelland & Tominey 2014, 5).
Developing self-regulation through everyday experiences
We have been trying to be responsive as much as we can since our son was born.
By being responsive, we have taught him that his needs and preferences matter.
I believe by being consistent, we have created a sense of trust that he knows we will be doing our best to be there for him.
And by being nurturing, we have taught him that relationships with others should feel comforting and joyful.
When his needs are met in this way, he grows to learn that he can trust us in the world to care for him.
With that being said, kids who grow up in loving and stable environments with structured and predictable daily routines are better at developing this skill.
Self-regulation skills develop gradually, so it is important that adults hold developmentally appropriate expectations for children’s behavior.
When we’re tied up, he knows we can’t do it right now and he understands, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t protest. In fact, by showing his dissatisfaction, he’s telling us that he’s not comfortable. But because he knows that he’s heard and cared for, he begins to develop self-soothing skills.
Although he couldn’t understand the concept of counting from the beginning, the sequence of the numbers and repetition was interesting to him. Also, counting in stressful situations draws his attention and soothes him by giving him another subject to focus on.
One day, when he was 11 months or so, I was changing him, and he was not comfortable and wanted to go. I started to count to buy some time for me to finish changing. I was counting but slowly. I paused after each number. One, pause, two, pause, three, pause, four, pause. And right then, in baby talk, he said five! I thought I heard it wrong. He can’t know! He is only 11 months! So I continued. Six, pause, seven, pause, eight, pause, nine, pause. He said ten! I was stunned. “Did you count with me?” I asked. Of course, he was too young to reply. I called my husband to come. I counted again and he said five and ten one more time. Periodically, he added a new number. He said seven and nine. And then one, two, three, four. By the time he was 14 months, he could count to 10 in order, but 8 was always missing. In Farsi — our main language at home — 7 and 8 are pronounced alike. Haft and Hasht. See? Both have the same sound and letters but one! He thought they were the same and that I should repeat the pattern. He was 16 months old when he added 8 to his collection, and he could count to ten in less than 10 seconds both in Farsi and English. However, still when he is in a rush, or he wants something badly, he still counts 1, 2, 3, 7, 9, 10.
Resources
https://day2dayparenting.com/help-child-learn-self-regulation/
https://www.thefreelibrary.com/Developing+self-regulation:+the+Vygotskian+view-a0159921038
